Her positivity is just amazing. “Just Live”
August 8 , 2023
2 years ago I collapsed.
I woke up in the morning feeling off.
I was 3 weeks postpartum,
1.5 weeks post NICU with our 35 weeker.
A 2 year old, 1 week post op from a second surgery at the IWK.
Oh, and feeling guilty for our 5 year old who just went the entire summer without her Momma.
I had every reason to feel “off.”
I spent the entire night sweating,
Night sweats that felt never ending as I nursed my preemie through a night cluster feeding.
When my feet hit the floor,
I knew I was exhausted.
I thought having a shower could help me snap out of it.
Once I was in there I started to feel a little faint,
As soon as I got out, I started to walk to the living room,
I collapsed.
I started violently shaking,high fever, vomiting, and a stomach pain completely took over.
My entire stomach in complete agony.
I had felt that pain before,
It actually brought me to the ER several times previous but no one could ever pinpoint what it was.
My husband, Ty rushed me back to the ER,
When I came too, we were pulling into the hospital.
I yelled out for my kids; I knew Hatton was due to nurse any minute.
Ty looked at me and said, “you need to take care of you, before you can even take care of them. Let’s get this figured out.”
They took me into the trauma room immediately. My heart rate was crazy high, 180s.
Next thing we knew I was laying in a CTScan,
When the doctor came in,
he looked at me puzzled.
15 cysts in my liver were found. 15!
Oh, and a bunch of nodes in my lungs.
They didn’ know what they were,
No one said the word cancer,
But we were about to find out.
That night I was admitted and moved to a unit with elderly patients awaiting a bed in assisted living centers.
So there I laid,
With my Hatton boy on my chest,
Not even realizing my world was about to change.
Mommas, look at that shell of a person, and look how far I’ve come…
Stage 4 Cancer with Innumerable tumours but I’ve never looked healthier.
Buckle up Mommas, this week on my journey will be a lot…
Aug 16, 2023
I felt my body dying.
Two years ago, on this day, I was being transported from my local hospital to a hospital in Moncton, New Brunswick for a biopsy of one of the nodules on my liver.
Because of Covid, I had to travel alone with two paramedics.
I kissed my Hatton- boy goodbye, and I gave my husband Ty the longest hug,
I looked him in the eyes and I said I’ll see you soon.
Little did I know the next time he’d see me,
I’d be laying in an ICU bed with internal bleeding throughout my abdomen.
When the paramedics dropped me off at the hospital, I was only to be there for the procedure and would be returning back to my hospital room,
my home away from home….
The biopsy, a thin needle, that went in between my ribs to reach my liver was painful;
especially because I refused the pain medication as it interfered with my breast-feeding.
The pain wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle, but it was later, when I was in my recovery room, I knew the pain was far too much.
I explained to the nurse, my level of discomfort, and she reassured it was normal.
After approx 5 mins, I was sweating, barely speaking through the pain and was adamant something was very wrong.
I looked at her and said, “we don’t know each other very well, and I think I handle pain quite well, but there’s something very very wrong.”
Within seconds of getting out those words, the pain completely took over my body and the next thing I knew, I was laying inside of a CT machine.
I felt my IV blowing as they tried to push through the contrast.
I saw everyone rushing around me and the radiologist yelling “I got it, I found it, get her out of there.”
If I close my eyes, I can actually remember the hospital overhead lights flashing by me as they rushed me to the ICU.
I yelled out “call my husband, call my husband.”
After all, they were a 2 hour drive away in a completely different province and he thought I was on route back to PEI.
The nurse rubbed my head throughout the hospital halls, apologizing for not “believing me.”
A few hours later, my family was by my side as I laid in the surgical ICU,
I needed my baby, I begged every nurse to ensure that whatever medication they needed to give me,
Would still allow me to breast-feed. After all, I was exactly one month postpartum from an emergency C-section,
And trying to breastfeeding a preemie around the clock.
My body was shutting down….
Mommas, I want to remind you that nurses and doctors, they are all just humans, trying their best in this thing called life. That nurse had tears in her eyes as she apologized, and asked to administer reiki, I graciously accepted.
I wanted anything to stay alive to see my family one more time…
One year ago we made the decision to stay on PEI while my new diagnosis was being sorted out. We knew we wanted to be closer to our biggest supports and be within arms reach to two of the major cancer centres; Toronto and Boston.
I was still nursing around the clock, and I was becoming more tired. The more tired I got, the more pain I was in. Family members stepped in. An entire community, strangers, loved ones, all came together dropping off kids Fall clothing, cooked meals, money, etc.
Our kids, who were 5 and 2 years old at the time; would ask, why Momma, why is everyone doing this? We’d respond, because people are kind and Momma has cancer, but what could they even comprehend at such age? To them, their whole world was about to change; but not because of their Mommas diagnosis…
We told them we wouldn’t be going home; the home they loved. A home we would never step foot in as a family of 5. Hatton would never see his decorated nursery, our girls their bedrooms they adored; the countless toys and books they had since birth. Our entire lives were in that home.
We registered our Juliet for school. She was sad to be leaving behind her friends, her identity she created for herself. Leaving behind our much adored life we created in Northwest Territories was soul crushing. My heart was hurting back then; angry even. I selfishly wanted my bed; a bed that was thousands of miles away in a home once filled with love and laughter.
Losing a home while navigating cancer was too much to process. I couldn’t see the light. I had everything our family needed right before my eyes; grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. Everyone holding us up. I felt relieved. We settled into PEI for an undetermined amount of time…
Mommas, be open to the help. We can’t do it all. We shouldn’t have to. Don’t be afraid to ask for it when you need it most. It’s amazing the love you’ll receive from a Community ready to hold you up.
I felt my body dying.
Two years ago, on this day, I was being transported from my local hospital to a hospital in Moncton, New Brunswick for a biopsy of one of the nodules on my liver.
Because of Covid, I had to travel alone with two paramedics.
I kissed my Hatton- boy goodbye, and I gave my husband Ty the longest hug,
I looked him in the eyes and I said I’ll see you soon.
Little did I know the next time he’d see me,
I’d be laying in an ICU bed with internal bleeding throughout my abdomen.
When the paramedics dropped me off at the hospital, I was only to be there for the procedure and would be returning back to my hospital room,
my home away from home….
The biopsy, a thin needle, that went in between my ribs to reach my liver was painful;
especially because I refused the pain medication as it interfered with my breast-feeding.
The pain wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle, but it was later, when I was in my recovery room, I knew the pain was far too much.
I explained to the nurse, my level of discomfort, and she reassured it was normal.
After approx 5 mins, I was sweating, barely speaking through the pain and was adamant something was very wrong.
I looked at her and said, “we don’t know each other very well, and I think I handle pain quite well, but there’s something very very wrong.”
Within seconds of getting out those words, the pain completely took over my body and the next thing I knew, I was laying inside of a CT machine.
I felt my IV blowing as they tried to push through the contrast.
I saw everyone rushing around me and the radiologist yelling “I got it, I found it, get her out of there.”
If I close my eyes, I can actually remember the hospital overhead lights flashing by me as they rushed me to the ICU.
I yelled out “call my husband, call my husband.”
After all, they were a 2 hour drive away in a completely different province and he thought I was on route back to PEI.
The nurse rubbed my head throughout the hospital halls, apologizing for not “believing me.”
A few hours later, my family was by my side as I laid in the surgical ICU,
I needed my baby, I begged every nurse to ensure that whatever medication they needed to give me,
Would still allow me to breast-feed. After all, I was exactly one month postpartum from an emergency C-section,
And trying to breastfeeding a preemie around the clock.
My body was shutting down….
Mommas, I want to remind you that nurses and doctors, they are all just humans, trying their best in this thing called life. That nurse had tears in her eyes as she apologized, and asked to administer reiki, I graciously accepted.
I wanted anything to stay alive to see my family one more time…
